Merry Christmas!

What anticipation has brought us to today! We have 5 (ok...only 3 who really understand) little and not so little bundles of excitement and joy. I love Christmas Eve! It is the day when I get to explain to each of my children what it felt like for me leading up to their births. All the waiting and planning... praying and dreaming... wonder and mystery... of a tiny baby coming into this world. I can only imagine what our Almighty God experienced the very first Christmas Eve. When I try to wrap my little brain around it, I wind up dripping with utter awe.... to be in Heaven fully perfected in the ultimate relationship of the trinity and to be sending The Son into a world of pain, darkness, brokenness and death... even knowing the ending... I would not have been able to make that choice for any of my children or even for myself for that matter. I believe God gave me a choice to live this year... as monumental as it was for me, it really is the same decision He gives me each morning... each moment even. I am basking in the truth this year that He too faced this very same decision. I often reflect on His choice to face the cross and death. Today, I am taking a moment after a year of experiencing deep loss and unfathomable pain along with redemption and unfathomable love, to reflect on His decision to come live this messy life with us. WHAT A GIFT! I am also taking a moment to reflect on the people who have chosen to let Him live in them this year and walk through the mine field of my life, endure the gore of the explosions, witness the death, and rejoice in the slow and sometimes messy healing and resurrection of something beautiful. WHAT A GIFT! LOVE is an amazing thing - so many of us spend our entire lives trying to find it. Here's the good news... it is yours and mine to have and enjoy. "It" chose to become a He this very night so that I could know Him and experience LOVE! Merry Christmas My Beloved! I love you and am so thankful for each of you.

Faith

Hebrew 11:1 Now FAITH is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:6 And without FAITH it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.


Romans 1:17 For in the Gospel a righteousness is revealed - a righteousness that is BY FAITH from the first to the last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live BY FAITH!"


What about how I perform? Where is the scripture that says I have to do...?

Ephesians 2:8-9 For it is by grace you have been saved, THROUGH FAITH - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.


Ephesians 3:12 In Him and THROUGH FAITH in Him we may approach God with FREEDOM and CONFIDENCE!


If I am sure of anything, it is the REALITY of GOD'S love through JESUS CHRIST! God tells me in the book of Hebrews that this certainty is FAITH! He continues to tell me that because of my faith, I can PLEASE GOD! Crazy? Me?


The Book of Romans says the first to the last in His Kingdom will be righteous BY FAITH! So even if I'm the last, I, too, am righteous. (I know, crazy! me? - who knew?)


Ephesians reminds me I didn't DO anything!!! My heart just knows Christ... I know Christ! And in Him + my faith = FREEDOM and CONFIDENCE to approach God! Does anyone else read this stuff???? and believe??? 'Cause knowing it's all true is simply mind-boggling!!



PRAYING TODAY FOR YOUR FAITH!!!!!


Song for Today: Where There is Faith (by 4 Him)


I believe in faithfulness
I believe in giving to myself for someone else
I believe in peace and love
I believe in honesty and trust
but IT'S NOT ENOUGH!
For all that I believe
may never change the way it is
Unless I believe Jesus lives

(chorus)

Where there is FAITH
There is a voice calling, "keep walking"
"You're not alone in this world"
Where there is FAITH
There is a PEACE like a child sleeping
HOPE EVERLASTING in He
who is ABLE TO BARE EVERY BURDEN,
to HEAL EVERY HURT IN MY HEART
It is a WONDERFUL, POWERFUL PLACE
Where there is FAITH!

There's a man across the sea
Never heard the sound of freedom ring
Only in his dreams
There's a lady dressed in black
In a motorcade of cadillacs
Daddy's not coming back
Our hearts begin to fall
And our stability grows weak
But Jesus meets our needs

if only we believe(chorus)

Sorrow?

PSALM 16
Keep me SAFE, O God, for in you I take refuge.


I said to the Lord, "You are my Lord; APART from you I have NO GOOD THING."

As for the saints who are in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.

The SORROWS of those WILL INCREASE who run after other gods.

I will not pour out their libations of blood or take up their names on my lips.



Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup.

You have made my lot SECURE!!

The BOUNDARY LINES have fallen FOR ME in PLEASANT PLACES!

Surely I have a delightful inheritance.



I will praise the Lord, who counsels me, even at night my heart instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before me.

Because He is at my right hand,

I will not be SHAKEN!



Therefore my HEART IS GLAD and my tongue rejoices;

My body will also REST SECURE

because you Lord will NOT ABANDON ME to the grave,

nor will you let your Holy One see decay.



You have made known to me THE PATH OF LIFE;

you will fill me with JOY IN YOUR PRESENCE

WITH ETERNAL PLEASURES at your right hand.



WHY WOULD ANYONE RUN AFTER OTHER GODS?
WHO WANTS THEIR SORROW TO INCREASE?
'CAUSE THIS IS ALL TRUE!!! JUST TEST IT!!

Loving you all and praying for you today...
that He would make known to you the path of life
and fill you with joy in His presence
and eternal pleasures at His right hand
and you are LEARNING TO TRUST!

Song for today...
LEARNING TO TRUST by David Meece

There's a father in your sweetest dreams
Who's always there to meet your needs
He never ever lets you down
There's a mother in your heart of hearts
Who always plays the perfect part
She never lets you hit the ground.

This is the need of children
These are their tender dreams
And Oh, how it hurts when they don't come true.

That's why I'm learning to trust in You
In everything I do
Learning to trust in You
'Cause I know in my heart that you're true
I'm learning to trust in You

But sometimes it's so hard to do
Father, little children must grow up
and to grow we've got to learn to trust
And to trust, we've got to cling to you.

And when You tell me You will hold me close
It's the very thing I need the most
But it's the hardest thing to do.

I've got this pain inside me,
It speaks to me loud and clear
When there's so much to gain
There's always so much to lose.

(chorus)

Keep calling me, drawing me closer
Don't let me hold back
Whatever it takes I must break through

The heart of a child is broken
But his time has come
Whatever he lost, I'll find in You!

(chorus)

Saved!

I wrote on Isaiah 26 yesterday, but if you go back just one chapter to Isaiah 25, verses 8 & 9 are worthy of memorization!!!!

He will swallow up death forever. The sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces. He will remove the disgrace of His people from all the earth. The Lord has spoken. In that day we will say, "Surely this is our God, we trusted in Him and He saved us. This is the Lord, we trust in in him; let us rejoice and be glad in His Salvation!!" Isaiah 25:8-9

I have been reflecting on salvation. What does it mean to me saved? This world is full of so many things from which we need saved. There is cruelty, torture, defeat, betrayal, and hearts are terribly broken every day. How can He save us from the darkness in this world? Or does He just mean to save us at the end?

I love Josh Wilson's song "Savior, Please!"

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can,
but I don't know how long I'll last.

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold on to me

I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without your love.
Savior, please keep saving me.

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will you begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am
because You're all I have

(chorus)

Hallelujah
Everything you are to me
Is everything I ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause you're the One who's saving me.
Hallelujah!

Isaiah 26

My Bible labels this chapter as a "Song of Praise"! For me, it is more of a song of my life!

Verses 1-2 We have a strong city; God makes salvation its walls and ramparts. Open the gates that the righteous nation may enter, the nation that keeps the faith.

I was raised in an unrighteous city with few walls or ramparts of protection. My salvation did allow me to enter into God's strong city. How I longed for righteousness and to keep the faith!!

Verses 3-4 You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the Rock eternal.

As a teenager eager to serve Him, my trust was soring! My mind still harbored the battlefield from the unrighteous city where I was raised - no wonder there was little peace for me.

Verses 5-6 He humbles those who dwell on high, He lays the lofty city low; He levels it to the ground and casts it down to the dust. Feet trample it down - the feet of the oppressed, the footsteps of the poor.

I came to the Lord so self-assured. I was smart, capable and ready to do anything He asked of me and do it well! Unfortunately for me, God humbles those who dwell on high, even casting them down to the dust!

Verses 7-9 The path of the righteous is level; O upright One, you make the way of the righteous smooth. Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you, your name and renown are the desire of our hearts. My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you.

I have yearned for Him both morning and night, but other believers have had such greater victories in finding smooth, level ground and patient peace. Could it be I was holding on to the unrighteous ways of my childhood?

Verses 10-11a Though grace is shown to the wicked, they do not learn righteouness; even in a land of uprightness they go on doing evil and regard not the majesty of the Lord. O Lord, your hand is lifted high, but they do not see it.

Could these verses be speaking to me? Was there some part of me buried so deeply within me that still remained "wicked" that I was unable to learn righteousness even though I lived in the land of uprightness? If so, Lord knows I did not see it!

Verses 11b-12 Let them (the wicked??) see your zeal for your people and be put to shame; let the fire reserved for your enemies consume them. Lord, you establish peace for us; all that we have accomplished you have done for us.

Is this what has happened in my life? Has God reached down out of His crazy love for me and let me see how deeply He showers His love on His children? Has He also, in His wisdom, put me to shame for my pride and hidden stronghold. I have felt His heat... the heat He reserves for His enemies but sometimes graciously gives to those who need disciplined to see His Truth! Will He now establish peace for me too? I am sure all that has been accomplished for good, He has done for me!

Verses 13-14 O Lord, our God, other lords besides you have ruled over us, but your name alone do we honor. They are now dead, they live no more; those departed spirits do not rise. You punished them and brought them to ruin; you wiped out all memory of them.

There have been so many gods that have competed in my life for the spot of #1. I must confess, my self-protection from hurt won out most of the time. Today, Lord, it is Your name alone that I honor! Please bury all the evil temptations and strongholds and wipe out their very memory.

Verses 15 You have enlarged the nation, O Lord, You have enlarged the nation, You have gained glory for yourself; you have extended all the borders of the land.

Is this what you do Lord? You actually enlarge our pasture and widen the fence as we draw closer to you. The more responsible we become the greater freedom we have to roam further territories in ministry for your kingdom. What a gift. Forgive me for crossing your fence and trying to enlarge your pasture before I was ready.

Verses 16-18 Lord, they came to you in their distress when you disciplined them, they could barely whisper a prayer. As a woman with child and about to give birth writhes and cries out in her pain, so were we in your presence, O Lord. We were with child, we writhed with pain, but we gave birth to wind. We have not brought salvation to the earth; we have not given birth to people of the world.

His discipline is PAINFUL! Please, don't ever doubt it! Birthing 5 children comes nowhere close. Besides birthing brings new life and joy. The pain of my discipline brought forth wind - including failure, hurt and brokenness! Far from an individual's salvation nor new life.

Verses 19 But your dead will live their bodies will rise. You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy. Your dew is like the dew of the morning; the earth will give birth to her dead. Go, my people, enter your room and shut the doors behind you; hide yourselves for a little while until His wrath has passed by.

So even though I started off proud and was trampled to the dust, God is calling me AGAIN, to wake up and shout for joy! How many chances are you going to give me Lord? How can you possibly be so good?! Not only do you resurrect me to life and joy... You are willing to do so before things get really bad here. Thank-you Daddy.

Verses 21 See, the Lord is coming out of His dwelling to punish the people of the earth for their sins. The earth will disclose the blood shed upon her; she will conceal her slain no longer.

I believe in God's grace and His perfect forgiveness that came through the death of His Son on the cross. I now believe in His power to discipline those whom He deeply loves and can't bear to see wander astray. Thank-you for your discipline Daddy, as painful as it has been.

Hebrews 12:9-11 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may SHARE IN HIS HOLINESS! No discipline seems pleasant at the time (there's a little bit of an understatement:), but PAINFUL.

Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it!!!
Really Lord???? I am holding on to this truth, believing that one day I, too, will experience a HARVEST OF RIGHTEOUSNESS AND PEACE - and that will be a beautiful day that will be as the moments following each of my births - all pain forgotten... joy beyond words... pure delight for having survived to receive YOUR GOOD & BEAUTIFUL GIFT!

10/10 & Abundant Life!!

What a great date!?!?

Next year will be 10/10/10!

I love 10:10!

Reminds me of John 10:10!

"I have come that you might have life and have it more abundantly!" - Jesus (John 10:10)

Thankfulness

As the fall settles in, it is such an awesome time to just sit back and be thankful. This year has been intense, but so was the year before, and the year before... will I learn to be thankful even in the midst of intensity... even if the intensity means intense pain? what about intense fear? or intense sorrow? grief? despair? Jesus and His disciples knew true joy, peace and hope - even in the face of circumstances that must have also produced deep sadness, unrest and, perhaps, at times, to the disciples, may have even appeared hopeless.

Many of you have walked closely with me the last few months. I pray that you were able to experience His joy, peace, and hope even in the midst of the circumstances that at times may have appeared hopeless. I need to ask for your forgiveness as I was unable to see His hope through much of it. I took self-protective measures that I believed would keep me safe, but in fact, proved to be almost deadly. I am sorry. I am sorry for the fear, sorrow, grief and despair it caused in your lives. I am sorry for attempting to rob you of His joy, peace, and most importantly, His HOPE! I am sorry for the deep sadness, hurt and unrest my behaviors brought into your lives. I repent and can confidently ask for your forgiveness at this time knowing that God is at work within me. He is taking the pain and brokenness that I had kept so deeply hidden and shining His light into the darkest parts of me.

AND I AM THANKFUL! I am thankful for the intensity of this time. I am even thankful for the pain, fear, intense sorrow, grief, and despair that have surfaced. They have deeply challenged me to CHANGE... as scary as change is to me:)

I am thankful, too, for the support my loved ones have given even during circumstances that had to have appeared hopeless at times. Thank-you for believing in our Lord! Thank-you for believing in His presence in me! Thank-you for loving me through my sinfulness and rebellion. Thank-you for loving my family when they so desperately needed to be loved and cared for and I was rendered helpless. THANK-YOU! I love you, and I thank you! I am so thankful.

Choosing Life

John 10:10 Jesus said He came that we might have life and have it more abundantly.



Two weeks since my last post. Wow! Have they been intense!?





I have had many hours to ponder what does it mean to live?

How is abundant living different from the slow drawn out process of dying?


Truly?!



My body seized 3 times, and I experienced God's presence during each one. He very clearly spoke to me saying, "Michelle, do you want to live or die?"


Of course I want to live I assured Him!! But, He said, "It is only possible to experience abundant life IN CHRIST under the influence of MY SPIRIT and within MY Heavenly Kingdom..." (that was sounding like my earthly days were over to me.)



However, He is SO GOOD that He continued His explanation of the simple question He set before me.


"Michelle, I have come that you may have life and have it more abundantly. But the wages of sin is death. So the REAL choice is really between ME and sin and the consequences of your choice (MY DECISION!!!) start this instant. These consequences will either be enjoyed or endured long before the day your body stops breathing!"

Jesus loves me,

this I know,

for the Bible

tells me so.

Little ones to

Him belong,

they are weak but

He is strong.

Daddy, Thank you for being so strong even when I am so weak! I love you. You are my life! For to LIVE IS CHRIST!!! and someday, to die from this earthly body will be gain(:

My Song for Today...

CHOOSE by Christy Nockels

Let me be in love with what You love.

Let me be most satisfied in You.

Forsaking what this world has offered me

I choose to be in love with you.

I will choose to be in love with you.

Let me know the peace that's mine in you.

Let me know the joy my heart can sing.

For I have nothing Lord apart from You.

I choose to call on Christ in ME!

I will choose to call on Christ in me!

For in the fullness of who You are

I can rest in this place.

And giving over this, my journey Lord

I see nothing but Your Face!

Let me know that You have loved me first

Let me know the weight of my response

For you have long pursued my wandering heart

I choose to glory in Your Cross

I will choose to glory in Your Cross!

And I bow down... humbly I bow down... humbly I bow down... I bow down

My Beloved here I am, I bow down, I bow down to YOU!

Deliverance

Well it's been just under 40 days since my last post. How ironic that I spent them in the wilderness fighting for my life? God, I am not missing the Markers You are giving me. I am hoping this blog serves as a way to share them with those who love me!!



Most of you reading this know that I have been walking through the valley of the shadow of death this summer. Others may not. All of you HAVE to know that I have spent a great deal of time here over the years. (It should be clear I've been here before:) My life has been intense! I have loved Christ deeply, but I have also deeply struggled over the lack of His fruit flowing from my life... Joy being #1!!



While I am still in desperate need of prayers, I am so thankful to say the sea is parting, and I am seeing His path of deliverance! I hope to be able to share more as I get closer to the other side and eventually feel the safety and confidence of His embrace on the firm foundation of His GRACE!



For now, please PRAISE HIM TODAY! For He is doing a mighty work in my life, and I couldn't be more greatful! As I sat with Him this morning, He gave me a few monumental markers I'd like to share.



Isaiah 54: 9-10

"To me this is like the days of Noah, when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth. So now I have sworn not to be angry with you, never to rebuke you again. Though the mountains be shaken and the hills removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on EVEN ME!!!



Need You to Love Me by Barlow Girls

Why? Why are you still here with me? Didn't you see what I've done?
In my shame, I want to run and hide myself, but it's here I see the truth.
I don't deserve you.

But I need you to love me, and I, I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll STOP THIS PRETENDING THAT I CAN SOMEHOW
DESERVE WHAT I ALREADY HAVE!!!
I need you to love me.



I, I have wasted so much time. Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'cause You're a God who has all things and STILL YOU WANT ME?!



Your love makes me forget what I have been!
Your love makes me see who I really am!
Your love makes me forget what I have been!





Only Grace by Matthew West

There is no guilt here. There is no shame.
No pointing fingers! There is no blame!

What has happened yesterday has disappeared.
The dirt has washed away. And now it's clear...

There's only GRACE! There's only LOVE!
There's only MERCY! And believe me, it's ENOUGH! (FINALLY!!!!!!!)

Your sins are gone, without a trace!
And there's nothing left now! There's only GRACE!

You're starting over now, under the sun.
You're stepping forward now. A new life has begun.
MY NEW LIFE HAS BEGUN!!
And if you should fall again, GET BACK UP! GET BACK UP!
GET BACK UP AGAIN! AGAIN! AGAIN!
Cuz there's only MERCY and believe me, it's ENOUGH!!!!

Pleasing God

Luke 17:1-10

Jesus said to his disciples, "Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come."



Please, Lord, keep me from leading others to sin.



It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin. So WATCH yourselves.



Open my eyes to watch myself, Lord. Reveal to me any areas where I am leading those who look to me astray. I understand the consequences for disobedience are severe and include horrific torment.



"If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him." The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!"



He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you."



"Suppose one of you had a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Would he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, 'Come along now and sit down to eat?'



Suppose I hired a baby-sitter. Our employment agreement stated she would work for me for ten hours and I would pay her $100! If my sitter had served a full 10 hours and fulfilled her part of the employment agreement, I could invite her to dinner because she would be off the clock!



Would he not rather say, 'Prepare my supper, get youself ready and wait on me while I each and drink; after that you may eat and drink?"



If my sitter only worked nine hours, she would still be working toward our agreement. She would need to work another hour for me to pay her the full $100!



Would he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do?



I could thank her for doing the bare minimum (10 hours), but nowhere in our employment agreement did we agree I would pay her and thank her for doing her work.



So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.'"



I am in a covenant relationship with God. He has given me His Word... the very key to living a good, full life! He has sent His Son who took my punishment! He has saved me from eternal separation from Him. At the same time, I have chosen to BELIEVE He is God and His Word is true and turn towards Him! Our agreement does not require my obedience. It requires my heart! As long as He has my heart, I will KNOW His Word is TRUE. Because I know His word is true, I will CHOOSE TO OBEY! Why? Not to please Him... or earn His favor... or earn my master's "Thank-You!" On the contrary... I know that believing is what pleases Him... turning to look into His eyes, brings Him great pleasure! Believing and turning to Him is what causes Him to celebrate and kill the fattened calf!



It is completely true that during this process, His Word becomes completely TRUE! My heart transforms to love what He loves. My soul longs for fulfillment... fulfillment that only He can offer. He then comes alongside me, holds me, and opens my eyes to His Word! He lets me understand that obedience to scripture is for MY good... obedience benefits ME not Him! He does not REQUIRE me to follow His instructions, but in believing and turning to Him, I am able to comprehend TRUTH! His instructions help me obtain the fulfillment my soul longs for!

Why, then, do I often seek His "Thank-You" for doing what benefits ME? No matter how well I obey, I will ALWAYS fall horribly short! If He required my obedience, I would be hopeless! I can never live up to an employment agreement where God requires perfect obedience in order to partake. He knows this!

Help me Lord, to fully understand my obedience benefits ME... your pleasure in me rests in my decision to believe and turn to you... and to be ABUNDANTLY GRATEFUL that you do not require obedience!! Help me NEVER to think that my ability to obey is good enough!

Isn't His TRUTH so powerful????? It's almost like He knew what He was doing when He created His extremely detailed, complex and intricate Creation to run so perfectly.